I could make wine with my vomit
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I need to sanitize my soul.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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