nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
