So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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