I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
