I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
