just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize