if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
