Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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