You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
