if you like me you must not know who I am
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
