I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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