I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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