failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize