She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You ruined the universe
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
tell me about the fingering
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
