I showed him my bush... on skype.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
