i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize