what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just invented taco cereal.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
We smell like vodka and hangover
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