She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
