Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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