you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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