dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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