When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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