either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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