I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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