You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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