Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Vodka?
Forever.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize