hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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