My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
