she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Shame - the story of my life.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
