cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
