hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
