remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
