I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
