I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
