Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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