My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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