If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
