Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
