you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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