I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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