My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We left the knife in your bed.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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