oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
