there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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