...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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