totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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