Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
