he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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