she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
