I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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