im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
