He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
