omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
