At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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