remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
