I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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