Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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