Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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