He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
