Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
