if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
