Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
