If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize