I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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