i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
