And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
